Effie Seiberg
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Silly Songs

The Healthcare Red Tape Tango
(to the tune of Tom Lehrer’s “Masochism Tango”)

I ache for approvals you give dear
Yet much more for prescriptions to live dear
You can split hairs
Like nobody dares
As we dance to the Healthcare Red Tape Tango.

Let our calls be a quest to remember
I'm on hold from July to December
I can dial ten
So my call's dropped again
As we dance to the Healthcare Red Tape Tango

At your command
Eight forms filled in my hand
Dejected here I stand
(sigh)
It's clear that I must be

Missing a file
You explain with a smile
Because it's not worthwhile
To insure someone like me

Your heart's stony cold or it's misplaced
Else how could my healthcare be debased?
The prem'iums I paid
The health plans that I made
Have all been laid waste as we tango.

My one typo
In the field for "address", love
You thought I'd transgressed, love
And I tried to mislead

And it's the status quo
For you to scrimp and pinch, love
Wait for me here to flinch, love
As I stand here and bleed.

My coverage often it switches
Like when I needed twenty stitches
To sew up the hole
Made in my bankroll
Money I can't control when we tango.

I've bashed in my brains
And squirmed and screamed in pain
Deny me once again
And swear you'll never stop

I know too well
I'm underneath your spell
Each year is a death knell
As more benefits get chopped

Call all of my claims pre-existing
Or delusions that keep on persisting
Say it's in my head
And just wait 'til I'm dead
So you come out ahead in the Tango.

​*******************************

An Ode to Sad Lungs from California Wildfire Smoke

(To the tune of the Backstreet Boys' "Everybody"). 

Everybody, wrack your body
Everybody, wrack your body right
Hack and cough, alright, hey baby

California's lungs are strained
Brothers, sisters, got chest pain
Get the smoky flavor show you how
Got a question for you better answer now, yeah

Am I now smoke-infused?
(Yeah)
My trachea abused?
(Yeah)
Is this perpetual?
(Yeah)
Got the oxygen you need?
You better wrack your body now

Everybody
(Yeah)
Wrack your body
(Yeah)
Everybody, hack and cough all night
CA's not airtight!

Now wait this really isn't fair
Should be grateful all we got's bad air
Haven't lost the city to a fiery hell
North Bay's inferno can't be contained

Am I a sad snowflake?
(Yeah)
Do my lungs need a break?
(Yeah)
Words ineffectual?
(Yeah)
Don't got the oxygen I need
I'mma go wrack my body now

Everybody
(Yeah)
Wrack your body
(Yeah)
Everybody, hack and cough all night
My lungs ain't all right!

*******************************
"The 12 Days of Transit" 
(to the tune of The 12 Days of Christmas)

On the 12th day of transit the MBTA gave me
12 trains on fire
11 missing buses
10 wrong announcements
9 bad excuses
8 sparking track rails
7 trains gone backwards
6 rush hour problems
5 stuck turnstiles
4 trains derailed
3 track fires
2 disabled cars, and
A train pushing another train​

*******************************
"Her Farts Will Go On" 
(to the tune of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On")


Every night at dinner
<NAME> cooks up all flavors
Dish after dish it goes on
Makes exotic cuisines
With feasts made to savor
<NAME's> a culinary gourmand
Near, far, a tasty bazaar
But her meals have one terrible flaw
Once more the intestines roar
And her stomach's upset and her farts will go on and on
Gas then starts to build up
She's bloated, exploded
Trumpeting it out all night long
Underneath the covers
Sheets flutter and shudder
As the gasses toot out til dawn
Near, far, the neighbors are scarred
From the sounds that emit from her bum
Gut war blasts out her backdoor
And the one thing that's certain
Is her farts will go on and on
If you get an invite
to dinner, from <NAME>
One conclusion here is foregone
Enjoy every last bite
The flavors all delight
But your stomach's sure to respond
<<KEY CHANGE HERE>>
My dear, hold tight to your rear
And just know that your gut will go on
You'll lay a most foul bouquet
As you join <NAME> and both your farts will go on and on

I Will Survive (Without a Gallbladder)
(to the tune of Gloria Gaynor's "
I Will Survive")


First I was afraid
I was petrified
Thought that I could never live without you in my side
But then I spent so many nights
With chest pain pressing all night long
And I grew strong
Knew that you did not belong
So now you're gone
Without a trace
No more squirting extra bile, leaving just an empty space
Out through laparoscopic cuts
You and your stones one by one
And all my cholecystemic healthcare problems are all done!
All that's now left
For me to do
Is to rest relax recover
For a week or two

I don't need you to digest, I don't need you to survive
You're stuffed in formaldehyde while I can go off and thrive!

Oh no not I
I will survive
Oh as long as liver function works I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my bile to give and I'll survive
​I will survive, hey hey


​*******************************

I'm a Cyborg (Alternate to "I Will Survive")

At first I couldn't hear
A lil’ bit deaf inside
Kept thinking I had to read lips
To understand replies
But I spent so many nights
In the silence oh so long
But I was wrong
And now my hearing's on the rise
Now I’m cyborg
Machines galore
I can hear all sorts of things
That I could never hear before
These mechanisms in my ears
Show me wonders never cease
As I now hear the paper crackling
And I hear the thunder roar
Go on now go
Go out the room
Now go say something...
And I can hear like you're right here
I'm a cyborg
I'm a cyborg
Hey hey!

​​*******************************

Getting to Show You
from the mythical show "Mansplaining: the musical"
(to the tune of "Getting to Know You" from the musical "The King and I")

It's a very ancient saying 
But a true and honest thought 
That every newbie dude 
Has deep expertise to be brought

As a man I don't need learning 
You'll forgive me if I boast 
And I've now become an expert
On the subject you know most (Chorus: Just to women! lucky women)

Getting to show you

Getting to show you
Getting to talk above you
Talking much louder
Talking 'til you will see

Getting to show you 
Putting it my way 
But nicely (Chorus: Not that nicely! Not so nicely!)
You're actually 
Wrong by a large degree

Getting to show you
Just how much you have no clue
Here in the field you've 
Been in for ten years (Chorus: He took one class! He failed that class)

Getting to show you
Here lemme just 
Explain it (Chorus: Man explaining! Man's mansplaining!)
I'll ascertain it
Confidently

Haven't you noticed
I don't need skill or background? 
To go through all the beautiful and new 
Things I'm mansplaining to you 
Daaaaaaaay (Chorus: Condescending!)
Byyyyyy (Chorus: Never-ending!)
Daaaaaaaay


*******************************

"One Month" 
(to the tune of the Bare Naked Ladies' "One Week")

It's been one month since I wrote something
Sat right down to type
and made the words sing
Few weeks since I laughed to see something
all come together in a nice word spree
Three days since the surgery
I realized it's not my fault but I can't convince me
Yesterday I could move some more
But it'll still be more days till I can make words pour

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
See how my brain thinks
says I'm useless as a human
I try the tricks for the fix
For the mental conflicts
I like the CBT
Cuz it says I am not less than
Hot off therapy when I just try
to keep my mood high
Because I'm all about management
My body's taken mad hits
Not calling it quits
I try to be more than this descent

Gonna make a break and take a fake
I got the stinkin achin shakes
I handle nothing but the blandest of the flavors
I tried the test
I can't digest
My tum's so messed and is so stressed
The endoscope gave it a poke
Now it's a misbehaver
How can I help it if it's so depressing being sick
Trying hard not to drown isn't the trick
I'm the kinda gal who smiles thru the down times
But gotta say that it gets
real hard sometimes
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of depression when I'm hurt

It's been three years since I've been healthy
Could go off and write a book in a year
Four weeks since I was dismissed
For being sick and there's nowhere to resist
Yesterday I had gotten down
And now I write stupid lyrics to turn it round
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