Political Satire

The Tech Billionaire’s Wishlist For The Office Secret Santa

12/18/2025

Hi folks, it’s time for the workplace Secret Santa! I know last year some of you had trouble figuring out what to get me (I know, visionaries are so hard to shop for!) so I’m going to make it super easy for all of you so there’s no need to get fired over a “#1 Boss” mug like whats-his-name last year. Here’s my wishlist:

A small stocking-stuffer like a yacht or some Louvre-quality jewels for my wife (see? I’m easy!)
An algorithm to help people on social media understand how funny I am. My jokes are brilliant and timeless and everyone should get to see them.
Speaking of timeless, a stem cell infusion so I can be immortal. We have this, right?
To be the person who comes up with the technology for a stem cell infusion for immortality. (We can get this done you guys! Say, by Q1? Don’t worry, we can share the credit.)
To monopolize the immortality market (which I guess you can only monopolize once? Note to self, make immortality a subscription service).
A media empire that I can regift to my adult son, he needs to be useful if he’s going to be around forever.
A UNESCO World Heritage Site for my next wedding. Family is so important!
True Artificial General Intelligence, matching or surpassing human capacity. Surpassing, let’s do surpassing. Which frankly has been on the company objectives list for YEARS, so if we can just get it done, it would really make my day!
To be the person who offers lifetime subscriptions for AGI use for the immortality market, gotta maximize the monetization while we disrupt the paradigm.
If stem-cell-infusion immortality isn’t happening, 2nd best option is uploading consciousness to the cloud, possibly with assistance of (or combining with?) AGI. It would be so cool if I knew everything an AGI did. Maybe this is a better option. Let’s just say it’s for Q2?
Those amazing cookies with the carmelized lacy edges that one of you brought to the office last year.
Army of AGI robot butlers, correctly programmed to understand how hilarious I am since we already have that social media algorithm.
Army of humans to keep the robot butlers in check if they attempt to unionize or something. Or actually, we wouldn’t need this if we get some union-busting legislation from your favorite pet senator, and it includes robots. Either would work. Or both! Both is better.
A human-bearing ship to Mars, because come on already, how have we not solved this yet? Let’s make this a Q3 goal, that’s plenty of time for you geniuses.
Which reminds me, a pre-fabbed Mars colony ready for people to move into. Full of 3D printers or something, I don’t know. You’ll figure it out.
I’m really craving those cookies now.
Ooh and to be the King of Mars, that should actually be first on this list.
King of Earth? Is that an option? I’d take that too. Honestly everyone would be better off if I could make all their decisions, I’m so much smarter than they are. Not you of course, haha! I only hire the best people!
Additional transport for my AGI robot army to get to Mars, we’ll need labor there. Or one AGI robot army for Mars, one to stay on Earth. Probably need a bunch of these.
Honestly if I have an AGI robot army I *could* be King of Earth. Just saying. And we can see that starting wars doesn't stop you from getting peace prizes.
A peace prize (really! Anyone can make one! And it would really show me you care.)
Really warm soft socks. It’s cold on Mars!
Haha I would never declare war on all of Earth just to be the king. A joke! See? I’m so funny! But I would take an island somewhere to be king of. We can just bulldoze off any people who are already there, and bring in the AGI robot butlers to do all the little things. This would be a great gift for me!
But seriously though, what if I *could* be King of Earth. Just something to consider! I think we can make this happen, team. Maybe even everyone chips in and it’s a group gift! It would be super thoughtful of you.
I mean, I *do* have an AGI robot army to help support the effort. You know, peacefully. Very very peacefully.
Wait. I still need an AGI robot army. OK that’s definitely going as #1 on this list.
A nice donation to my charitable foundation. (See? I told you I was funny.)
Maybe I should tour, I’m so funny. You could get me a standup tour all around the globe, that would be a nice gift. And if people don’t laugh, we get the robots to explain to them why they’re wrong.
Damn, I really do need those robots don’t I. OK everyone, get together and make this happen!
Guys? Are you still there?
Oh, I see. You all are intimidated by how smart and funny I am and that’s why you’ve left. Haha don’t worry I totally get it! But I’d never rub something like that in your faces, you can come back!
Guys?
… Guys?
An AGI robot butler to be my friend

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Mission Report From the Tiny Alien Piloting RFK Jr’s Body

10/22/2025

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Mission Report 892:
Project Destroy Humanity v2: RFK Jr

To: Kelvian Central Control, Planet Kelvian D

I am blending in beautifully with the humans -- they have no idea that their Health and Human Services Secretary is a meatsuit piloted from within by a being from Planet Kelvian D. The body is working well other than the voicebox, for which I have filed a repair ticket.

To better appear human I have employed such techniques as “working out while wearing jeans”, and “swimming in sewage-polluted bodies of water”, standard human activities. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the character background created by the Advance Team, including “has sawed off the head of beached whale” and “has strategically positioned dead bear cub in park”, has worked so well. Humanity is loving the dead animal stories! Please send my particular thanks to whoever came up with “has dead worm in brain,” as I can use that if I’m discovered.

For credibility I am also ensuring that Secretary Kennedy shows off his knowledge via the research that humans seem to find most compelling, which is a combination of “TikTok videos” and “someone on ketamine said so at a party”.

On to the substantive work! In the guise of Secretary Kennedy, I have convinced the humans to slash medical research across the board, and I am working on reducing medical care (called “Medicare” and “Medicaid”) as well. I have also eliminated an enormous percentage of Center for Disease Control jobs, including many of those investigating outbreaks and managing infectious disease responses.

What is most encouraging, however, is the progress on fomenting fear of vaccines. Our test case with measles has shown success, leading to the biggest US outbreak in 30 years. Undermining the COVID vaccine has gone less well, as outcry forced us to walk back booster restrictions, but the good news is that in the confusion vaccination rates went down anyway. To make sure we also hit the next generation, next up are the MMR and Hepatitis B vaccines for newborns. Repeating the model of increased vaccine fear plus reduced vaccine research will be useful during the next pandemic we create, as I know the last one did not do the trick.

I was delighted to find that these anti-health steps were celebrated, and did not cause the backlash I expected. I’m grateful for all the eugenicists here, as their “let ‘er rip” philosophy of disease management will be enormously helpful.

While there have been some setbacks, they are mostly mitigated by other circumstances.

As referenced in my last report, we have now completely scrapped the plan to concentrate on food-borne illness. While reducing staff for food safety inspections has been great for disease, fewer US foods are being bought internationally due to tariffs. As such, it looks like highly contagious infectious diseases are still the most effective strategy for Project Destroy Humanity v2. The Kennedy meatsuit will make a fantastic Patient Zero, as I’ve surrounded myself with antivaxxers who’d rather die than mask.

Since Earthians seem strangely fine with reversing over a century of their own scientific progress, I propose these next steps: First, we get rid of handwashing. (I’ve already convinced Secretary of War Hegseth that germs aren’t real because you can’t see them.) Then we can follow up with a combination of plague rats, typhoid parties, and a return to open sewers.

Next mission report will be in one Earth week.

Signing off,
Captain Mandelbrot Vortexian, field agent piloting the RFK Jr. suit, Washington DC, Planet Earth

PS - I know field missions are kept separate for a reason, but I do have to ask: is Trump one of us? If so, the agent piloting that meatsuit is doing admirably, but coordinating plans would make Project “Destroy Humanity v2” go much faster.

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The DOJ Would Like You To Know That We’ve Updated the Bill of Rights, You’re Welcome

10/16/2025

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To the American people,
In order to Make America Great Again, we are declaring new amendments to the amendments of the Bill of Rights. Here they are:

*****
First Amendment:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment to the Amendment: The FCC threatening comedians and journalists, and the TSA hassling people with social media jokes, are definitely different from a law from Congress, and are therefore fine. After all, speech that is negative about the President is hate speech, and that’s not protected.

*****
Second Amendment:
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment to the Amendment: This only applies to good, loyal patriots. Can you imagine what would happen otherwise? You’d get an insurrection or something.

*****
Third Amendment:
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment to the amendment: ICE agents don’t count as soldiers, obviously.

*****
Fourth Amendment:
The right of the People to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment to the amendment: People who look Hispanic are fair game though, that’s just suspicious.

*****
Fifth Amendment:
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment to the amendment: Due process is suspended for people suspected to be Hispanic, see #4. Next up are people suspected to be trans. They’re all Antifa, which means they’re all terrorists. You don’t want to give rights to terrorists, do you?

*****
Sixth Amendment:
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Amendment to the amendment: This is irrelevant because it assumes due process, see #5. We’re striking the whole thing.

*****
Seventh Amendment:
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by Jury shall be preserved, and no fact, tried by a Jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment to the amendment: Any civil suits brought by the Executive Branch settled for high sums of money shall not be considered an emolument or “bribe” in any way.

*****
Eighth Amendment:
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment to the amendment: Except for in immigration cases. Or terrorism cases. You know a lot of people are terrorists, right? Basically the whole Democrat party. Also what happens in El Salvador is up to them, not us, so it’s fine.

*****
Ninth Amendment: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment to the amendment: Rights in the Constitution aren’t a guarantee either, especially if you’re not being nice (see #1), so this is also irrelevant. We’re striking this one too.

*****
Tenth Amendment: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Amendment to the amendment: The Executive Branch has a mandate from the people from the historic 2024 election landslide, so anything it does is what the people want. Don’t worry, Congress will back us up no matter what we do, and when evil blue states sue, the Supreme Court majority will be on our side at all times. Any people trying to fight this are terrorists anyway.

*****
Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Signed,
Attorney General Pam Bondi

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A is for Autocracy

9/22/2025

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A is for autocracy
Absolute power for our new king
B is for bible-thumping
Which covers all egregious sins

C is for censorship
To hide the things that we don’t like
D is for dictatorship
A new name for the new Fourth Reich

E is for enemies
We’ll call you one if you’re against us
F is for fascism
Led by that ass from The Apprentice

G is for Gestapo
With ICE raids growing every hour
H is for hypocrisy
Which we use as a show of power

I is for immigrants
A nation’s strength turned new scapegoat
J is for justice
A thing which we now hunt for sport

K is for kakistocracy
A government led by all the worst
L is for lock her up
An early signal of bloodthirst

M is for mass media
Which we control and manipulate
N is for nationalism
Fueled by bigotry and hate

O is for the opposition
Who’re playing dead or at least naive
P is for propaganda
To slowly change what you believe

Q is for Q-Anon
Which whipped people into insurrection
R is for the Russian bots
Which helped to influence the election

S is for social media
Whose algorithm rewards ragebait
T is for totalitarianism
The end of our sort-of free state

U is for uniting
Which is our very last resort
V is for the victims
Who need our unfailing support

W is for we’ve got this
Cuz worse admins have been overthrown
X is for Gens X through Alpha
To kick out the Boomers with no backbone

Y is for you can do something
Protest, volunteer, or write your reps
Z is for zeitgeist
Which we can change, step by step

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An Automated Phone Tree for Your Brand New Alligator-Themed Detention Center (That Is Definitely Not A Concentration Camp)

7/20/2025

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Content Warning: totally a concentration camp

Welcome to the automated phone line of the new Alligator-Themed Detention Center, which is definitely not a concentration camp! Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully to the following menu options, which have recently changed.

To find out if your loved one is in this facility, please leave a message with their name, physical description, and a justification of why they deserve a place in Trump’s America.

To speak to a detained person in this facility, please dial the crying-face emoji.

To find out about the conditions your loved one is held in, please leave a message in meme form. AI representations of Trump as Superman will be given precedence.

To find out which other country your loved one is going to be shipped off to, please query Elon Musk’s chatbot “MechaHitler” Grok directly, as we are integrating it into our systems.

To retrieve your loved one’s body, leave a message with your name, their name, and whether you’re using the discount for bulk pickup.

For additional options, please stay on the line.

<the first 30 seconds of “The Girl from Ipanema” plays here>

To let us know that racial profiling is illegal, please remember that thanks to recent Supreme Court rulings, we can do what we want.

To ask why your loved one has not received due process of the law, please leave a message with your name, email address, and the sound of you tearing up a copy of the US Constitution.

To let us know that a detained person is actually a citizen, or is in the country legally, or has broken no laws, kindly hang up the phone, because we don’t care.

For additional options, please stay on the line.

<the first 30 seconds of “The Girl from Ipanema” plays here, again>

For a faster response, many of our services can be accessed online!

If you’re calling to ask if the masked people with no uniform or identification who disappeared your loved one are ICE or just random people cosplaying as ICE, please go to magic-8ball dot com.

To let us know that this is super Nazi-like, we thank you for the compliment and assure you we are doing our best! You can go to alligatordetentioncentergiftshop dot com for all the best alligator merch.

To apply for a job with ICE or at the Alligator-Themed Detention Center, please go to justfollowingorders dot com.

For additional options, please stay on the line.

<the first 15 seconds of “The Girl from Ipanema” goes here, repeated twice>

Thank you for calling The Alligator-Themed Detention Center that’s definitely not a concentration camp! If you still need assistance, and would like to speak to an agent, please leave your name, phone number, physical description, and an exact location where you can be found at 3pm tomorrow. We’ll send someone to you.

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When Trump Definitely Totally Won the Space Alien Invasion

4/19/2025

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On Monday morning around 3am Eastern Time, the space aliens showed up in their bright hovering ships and began transmitting a message in their own language. By 5am Eastern Time, the UN (minus the US delegate who didn’t show) met to start figuring out what to do.

Trump, on the other hand, declared immediate war.

“These aliens, they’re illegals,” he said at a gold-painted podium, “they’re very bad people. And we can’t make a deal with every space alien, because to do so would take, without exaggeration, two million years. We’re gonna just get em out of here, as is our constitutional right.”

The UN sent a note of peace and welcoming to the alien ships, while top linguists tried to decode the aliens’ message. (There were no linguists in the US available. All had had their university funding cut and had taken other jobs.)

Trump reached out to see what the best US scientists had in terms of weapons of war, but half had already been deported for being immigrants, and the remaining half were just hit by the NSF grant freeze.
***

On Tuesday the aliens sent the same message again to everyone worldwide.

Congress met to debate whether the president could declare war without Congress, what with the Constitution saying Congress is the sole body that can declare war, but in an overwhelming vote of Republicans afraid of being primaried, plus Democrats who thought that if they play nice enough it’d eventually work out, Congress decided it was fine ceding that power entirely.

The ACLU filed a suit about an unconstitutional declaration of war, and the courts promised to get to it in a few months.
***

On Wednesday the Joint Chiefs were called into the Situation Room to present battle plans. Defense Secretary Hegseth presented a bar napkin on which he had scribbled “aliens bad pew pew”. A leaked Signal chat, sent to his babysitter, revealed further plan info in the form of several emojis. Meanwhile the military leadership itself only had a few people left, having kicked out everyone who wasn’t a straight white Christian cis man because of “DEI”, so there weren’t many other ideas on the table. The Hegseth plan was chosen with much applause because it was, in Trump’s words, “beautiful”.
***

On Thursday a trans linguist in Bolivia had a breakthrough and decoded the word “hello”. Every nation but the US transmitted the word “hello” back to the aliens.

Elon Musk paid himself fifteen billion dollars to build the Golden Dome, a nationwide defense system that was meant to harmlessly explode incoming weapons mid-air in prep for the upcoming big alien battle. Using Grok, his personal AI chatbot, for targeting, the Golden Dome test instead destroyed three American hospitals and a kindergarten. When asked about the results, Musk replied “That hospital had the woke mind-virus, it was very concerning.” Fox News reported it as a tremendous win for America.

As luck would have it, however, the Tesla that had been shot into orbit in 2018 got close to the biggest alien ship and exploded, as Teslas are wont to do.
The aliens sent a final message, and left.

Trump declared victory and scheduled himself a parade.
***

On Friday, an autistic linguist in Sweden decoded the rest of the alien messages, the first of which read, “Hello humans, we come in peace, please accept our gifts of technology and medicine and art.” The second read, “We see you’re not interested. Nevermind.”

At Trump’s parade speech, he said, “Trump saved you all. But will anybody say thank you, no they won’t, people are very ungrateful, nobody appreciates Trump saving the world.” He received thunderous applause, and basked in the adoration of the crowd as they cheered for their savior of mankind.

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The Tech Billionaire’s Wishlist For The Office Secret Santa

Mission Report From the Tiny Alien Piloting RFK Jr’s Body

The DOJ Would Like You To Know That We’ve Updated the Bill of Rights, You’re Welcome

A is for Autocracy

An Automated Phone Tree for Your Brand New Alligator-Themed Detention Center (That Is Definitely Not A Concentration Camp)

When Trump Definitely Totally Won the Space Alien Invasion

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