The war is going incredibly well, I mean, not war, major combat operation that is definitely not a war. We’re winning it so hard sir.
Since they’re going to have to update “The Art of War” anyway just based on how much we’re winning, we thought we’d get it done now. A true testament to your military genius.
____
1.
(OLD and outdated) He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared. Ponder and deliberate before you make a move.
(NEW and epic) Your gut has never steered you wrong. Your gut is brilliant and that’s why you’re basically the king of everything today. Everybody says so. That’s how you knew that your feeling about Iran was the reason to strike. Fire all those experts and those DEI five-star generals. YOU are a WINNER and you don’t need any of those weak people or their “battle plans” or “preparedness research” dragging you down.
____
2.
(OLD) He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight. If your enemy is superior in strength, evade him.
(NEW) You’re a big man, the biggest man, just tremendous, nobody’s ever seen a man as big and important and powerful as you are. You can do what you want when you want. If someone disrespects you (like by showing you biased poll numbers or fake Epstein news, of which you’ve been totally exonerated) you can always go fight someone else.
____
3.
(OLD) Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.
(NEW) Sir, you ALWAYS appear strong. Nobody could possibly see you and think you’re weak. You’re the strongest President we’ve ever had in the history of the USA, even the history of the world. I bet you can bench 500 pounds, that’s more than Obama ever could. (TODO: insert Grok-generated image of muscular shirtless Trump holding up a 500 lb barbell. Next to Jesus.)
____
4.
(OLD) He will win who has military capacity and is not interfered with by the sovereign.
(NEW) You are the sovereign, but this interference also means anyone who gets in your way. You’re too important to be bogged down by such little things. Like Congress. And NATO and the UN. And the Geneva Convention.
____
5.
(OLD) If it is to your advantage, make a forward move. If not, stay where you are.
(NEW) Did Napoleon stand still? Genghis Khan? Alexander the Great? Hitler? They all MADE MOVES and were AWESOME and you’re so much more awesome than any of them!
____
6.
(OLD) Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move fall like a thunderbolt.
(NEW) They can’t predict what you’ll do next if even YOU don’t know what that is!
____
7.
(OLD) A wise general makes a point of foraging on the enemy. One cartload of the enemy's provisions is equivalent to twenty of one's own.
(NEW) Foraging on the enemy means the enemy within, too! Domestic terrorist protesters! Illegal aliens! Poor people! RINOs and Democrats! Their dollars should really go to you too. Who knows what dangerous things they might use that money for?
____
8.
(OLD) There is no instance of a country having benefitted from prolonged warfare.
(NEW) Hahahahahahaha that’s not what your bank account says. (TODO: insert a reminder of which billionaire defense contractor Trump is having lunch with later today.)
____
9.
(OLD) In war, the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won.
(NEW) You won every election you ever ran in. And probably some other elections too with people writing you in. Everybody loves you. Everybody thinks you should be the king of everything there is, even the universe itself. And that’s the only victory that matters. So any battle after this is already blessed by Sun-Tzu himself.
____
10.
(OLD) Supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.
(NEW) You ALREADY are at supreme excellence. If an enemy is too foolish to realize they should bow down, it’s really on them that you attack. Their own choices started the fight. Not up to you! Obviously you’re the “Peace President”, the first and only FIFA Peace Prize awardee and the head of the Board of Peace. AND you have a Nobel Peace Prize now. Really any fighting is your enemies’ doing, because how could it be yours?
Since they’re going to have to update “The Art of War” anyway just based on how much we’re winning, we thought we’d get it done now. A true testament to your military genius.
____
1.
(OLD and outdated) He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared. Ponder and deliberate before you make a move.
(NEW and epic) Your gut has never steered you wrong. Your gut is brilliant and that’s why you’re basically the king of everything today. Everybody says so. That’s how you knew that your feeling about Iran was the reason to strike. Fire all those experts and those DEI five-star generals. YOU are a WINNER and you don’t need any of those weak people or their “battle plans” or “preparedness research” dragging you down.
____
2.
(OLD) He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight. If your enemy is superior in strength, evade him.
(NEW) You’re a big man, the biggest man, just tremendous, nobody’s ever seen a man as big and important and powerful as you are. You can do what you want when you want. If someone disrespects you (like by showing you biased poll numbers or fake Epstein news, of which you’ve been totally exonerated) you can always go fight someone else.
____
3.
(OLD) Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.
(NEW) Sir, you ALWAYS appear strong. Nobody could possibly see you and think you’re weak. You’re the strongest President we’ve ever had in the history of the USA, even the history of the world. I bet you can bench 500 pounds, that’s more than Obama ever could. (TODO: insert Grok-generated image of muscular shirtless Trump holding up a 500 lb barbell. Next to Jesus.)
____
4.
(OLD) He will win who has military capacity and is not interfered with by the sovereign.
(NEW) You are the sovereign, but this interference also means anyone who gets in your way. You’re too important to be bogged down by such little things. Like Congress. And NATO and the UN. And the Geneva Convention.
____
5.
(OLD) If it is to your advantage, make a forward move. If not, stay where you are.
(NEW) Did Napoleon stand still? Genghis Khan? Alexander the Great? Hitler? They all MADE MOVES and were AWESOME and you’re so much more awesome than any of them!
____
6.
(OLD) Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move fall like a thunderbolt.
(NEW) They can’t predict what you’ll do next if even YOU don’t know what that is!
____
7.
(OLD) A wise general makes a point of foraging on the enemy. One cartload of the enemy's provisions is equivalent to twenty of one's own.
(NEW) Foraging on the enemy means the enemy within, too! Domestic terrorist protesters! Illegal aliens! Poor people! RINOs and Democrats! Their dollars should really go to you too. Who knows what dangerous things they might use that money for?
____
8.
(OLD) There is no instance of a country having benefitted from prolonged warfare.
(NEW) Hahahahahahaha that’s not what your bank account says. (TODO: insert a reminder of which billionaire defense contractor Trump is having lunch with later today.)
____
9.
(OLD) In war, the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won.
(NEW) You won every election you ever ran in. And probably some other elections too with people writing you in. Everybody loves you. Everybody thinks you should be the king of everything there is, even the universe itself. And that’s the only victory that matters. So any battle after this is already blessed by Sun-Tzu himself.
____
10.
(OLD) Supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.
(NEW) You ALREADY are at supreme excellence. If an enemy is too foolish to realize they should bow down, it’s really on them that you attack. Their own choices started the fight. Not up to you! Obviously you’re the “Peace President”, the first and only FIFA Peace Prize awardee and the head of the Board of Peace. AND you have a Nobel Peace Prize now. Really any fighting is your enemies’ doing, because how could it be yours?
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