Content Warning: totally a concentration camp
Welcome to the automated phone line of the new Alligator-Themed Detention Center, which is definitely not a concentration camp! Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully to the following menu options, which have recently changed.
To find out if your loved one is in this facility, please leave a message with their name, physical description, and a justification of why they deserve a place in Trump’s America.
To speak to a detained person in this facility, please dial the crying-face emoji.
To find out about the conditions your loved one is held in, please leave a message in meme form. AI representations of Trump as Superman will be given precedence.
To find out which other country your loved one is going to be shipped off to, please query Elon Musk’s chatbot “MechaHitler” Grok directly, as we are integrating it into our systems.
To retrieve your loved one’s body, leave a message with your name, their name, and whether you’re using the discount for bulk pickup.
For additional options, please stay on the line.
<the first 30 seconds of “The Girl from Ipanema” plays here>
To let us know that racial profiling is illegal, please remember that thanks to recent Supreme Court rulings, we can do what we want.
To ask why your loved one has not received due process of the law, please leave a message with your name, email address, and the sound of you tearing up a copy of the US Constitution.
To let us know that a detained person is actually a citizen, or is in the country legally, or has broken no laws, kindly hang up the phone, because we don’t care.
For additional options, please stay on the line.
<the first 30 seconds of “The Girl from Ipanema” plays here, again>
For a faster response, many of our services can be accessed online!
If you’re calling to ask if the masked people with no uniform or identification who disappeared your loved one are ICE or just random people cosplaying as ICE, please go to magic-8ball dot com.
To let us know that this is super Nazi-like, we thank you for the compliment and assure you we are doing our best! You can go to alligatordetentioncentergiftshop dot com for all the best alligator merch.
To apply for a job with ICE or at the Alligator-Themed Detention Center, please go to justfollowingorders dot com.
For additional options, please stay on the line.
<the first 15 seconds of “The Girl from Ipanema” goes here, repeated twice>
Thank you for calling The Alligator-Themed Detention Center that’s definitely not a concentration camp! If you still need assistance, and would like to speak to an agent, please leave your name, phone number, physical description, and an exact location where you can be found at 3pm tomorrow. We’ll send someone to you.
Welcome to the automated phone line of the new Alligator-Themed Detention Center, which is definitely not a concentration camp! Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully to the following menu options, which have recently changed.
To find out if your loved one is in this facility, please leave a message with their name, physical description, and a justification of why they deserve a place in Trump’s America.
To speak to a detained person in this facility, please dial the crying-face emoji.
To find out about the conditions your loved one is held in, please leave a message in meme form. AI representations of Trump as Superman will be given precedence.
To find out which other country your loved one is going to be shipped off to, please query Elon Musk’s chatbot “MechaHitler” Grok directly, as we are integrating it into our systems.
To retrieve your loved one’s body, leave a message with your name, their name, and whether you’re using the discount for bulk pickup.
For additional options, please stay on the line.
<the first 30 seconds of “The Girl from Ipanema” plays here>
To let us know that racial profiling is illegal, please remember that thanks to recent Supreme Court rulings, we can do what we want.
To ask why your loved one has not received due process of the law, please leave a message with your name, email address, and the sound of you tearing up a copy of the US Constitution.
To let us know that a detained person is actually a citizen, or is in the country legally, or has broken no laws, kindly hang up the phone, because we don’t care.
For additional options, please stay on the line.
<the first 30 seconds of “The Girl from Ipanema” plays here, again>
For a faster response, many of our services can be accessed online!
If you’re calling to ask if the masked people with no uniform or identification who disappeared your loved one are ICE or just random people cosplaying as ICE, please go to magic-8ball dot com.
To let us know that this is super Nazi-like, we thank you for the compliment and assure you we are doing our best! You can go to alligatordetentioncentergiftshop dot com for all the best alligator merch.
To apply for a job with ICE or at the Alligator-Themed Detention Center, please go to justfollowingorders dot com.
For additional options, please stay on the line.
<the first 15 seconds of “The Girl from Ipanema” goes here, repeated twice>
Thank you for calling The Alligator-Themed Detention Center that’s definitely not a concentration camp! If you still need assistance, and would like to speak to an agent, please leave your name, phone number, physical description, and an exact location where you can be found at 3pm tomorrow. We’ll send someone to you.
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