Mission Report 892:
Project Destroy Humanity v2: RFK Jr
To: Kelvian Central Control, Planet Kelvian D
I am blending in beautifully with the humans -- they have no idea that their Health and Human Services Secretary is a meatsuit piloted from within by a being from Planet Kelvian D. The body is working well other than the voicebox, for which I have filed a repair ticket.
To better appear human I have employed such techniques as “working out while wearing jeans”, and “swimming in sewage-polluted bodies of water”, standard human activities. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the character background created by the Advance Team, including “has sawed off the head of beached whale” and “has strategically positioned dead bear cub in park”, has worked so well. Humanity is loving the dead animal stories! Please send my particular thanks to whoever came up with “has dead worm in brain,” as I can use that if I’m discovered.
For credibility I am also ensuring that Secretary Kennedy shows off his knowledge via the research that humans seem to find most compelling, which is a combination of “TikTok videos” and “someone on ketamine said so at a party”.
On to the substantive work! In the guise of Secretary Kennedy, I have convinced the humans to slash medical research across the board, and I am working on reducing medical care (called “Medicare” and “Medicaid”) as well. I have also eliminated an enormous percentage of Center for Disease Control jobs, including many of those investigating outbreaks and managing infectious disease responses.
What is most encouraging, however, is the progress on fomenting fear of vaccines. Our test case with measles has shown success, leading to the biggest US outbreak in 30 years. Undermining the COVID vaccine has gone less well, as outcry forced us to walk back booster restrictions, but the good news is that in the confusion vaccination rates went down anyway. To make sure we also hit the next generation, next up are the MMR and Hepatitis B vaccines for newborns. Repeating the model of increased vaccine fear plus reduced vaccine research will be useful during the next pandemic we create, as I know the last one did not do the trick.
I was delighted to find that these anti-health steps were celebrated, and did not cause the backlash I expected. I’m grateful for all the eugenicists here, as their “let ‘er rip” philosophy of disease management will be enormously helpful.
While there have been some setbacks, they are mostly mitigated by other circumstances.
As referenced in my last report, we have now completely scrapped the plan to concentrate on food-borne illness. While reducing staff for food safety inspections has been great for disease, fewer US foods are being bought internationally due to tariffs. As such, it looks like highly contagious infectious diseases are still the most effective strategy for Project Destroy Humanity v2. The Kennedy meatsuit will make a fantastic Patient Zero, as I’ve surrounded myself with antivaxxers who’d rather die than mask.
Since Earthians seem strangely fine with reversing over a century of their own scientific progress, I propose these next steps: First, we get rid of handwashing. (I’ve already convinced Secretary of War Hegseth that germs aren’t real because you can’t see them.) Then we can follow up with a combination of plague rats, typhoid parties, and a return to open sewers.
Next mission report will be in one Earth week.
Signing off,
Captain Mandelbrot Vortexian, field agent piloting the RFK Jr. suit, Washington DC, Planet Earth
PS - I know field missions are kept separate for a reason, but I do have to ask: is Trump one of us? If so, the agent piloting that meatsuit is doing admirably, but coordinating plans would make Project “Destroy Humanity v2” go much faster.
Project Destroy Humanity v2: RFK Jr
To: Kelvian Central Control, Planet Kelvian D
I am blending in beautifully with the humans -- they have no idea that their Health and Human Services Secretary is a meatsuit piloted from within by a being from Planet Kelvian D. The body is working well other than the voicebox, for which I have filed a repair ticket.
To better appear human I have employed such techniques as “working out while wearing jeans”, and “swimming in sewage-polluted bodies of water”, standard human activities. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the character background created by the Advance Team, including “has sawed off the head of beached whale” and “has strategically positioned dead bear cub in park”, has worked so well. Humanity is loving the dead animal stories! Please send my particular thanks to whoever came up with “has dead worm in brain,” as I can use that if I’m discovered.
For credibility I am also ensuring that Secretary Kennedy shows off his knowledge via the research that humans seem to find most compelling, which is a combination of “TikTok videos” and “someone on ketamine said so at a party”.
On to the substantive work! In the guise of Secretary Kennedy, I have convinced the humans to slash medical research across the board, and I am working on reducing medical care (called “Medicare” and “Medicaid”) as well. I have also eliminated an enormous percentage of Center for Disease Control jobs, including many of those investigating outbreaks and managing infectious disease responses.
What is most encouraging, however, is the progress on fomenting fear of vaccines. Our test case with measles has shown success, leading to the biggest US outbreak in 30 years. Undermining the COVID vaccine has gone less well, as outcry forced us to walk back booster restrictions, but the good news is that in the confusion vaccination rates went down anyway. To make sure we also hit the next generation, next up are the MMR and Hepatitis B vaccines for newborns. Repeating the model of increased vaccine fear plus reduced vaccine research will be useful during the next pandemic we create, as I know the last one did not do the trick.
I was delighted to find that these anti-health steps were celebrated, and did not cause the backlash I expected. I’m grateful for all the eugenicists here, as their “let ‘er rip” philosophy of disease management will be enormously helpful.
While there have been some setbacks, they are mostly mitigated by other circumstances.
As referenced in my last report, we have now completely scrapped the plan to concentrate on food-borne illness. While reducing staff for food safety inspections has been great for disease, fewer US foods are being bought internationally due to tariffs. As such, it looks like highly contagious infectious diseases are still the most effective strategy for Project Destroy Humanity v2. The Kennedy meatsuit will make a fantastic Patient Zero, as I’ve surrounded myself with antivaxxers who’d rather die than mask.
Since Earthians seem strangely fine with reversing over a century of their own scientific progress, I propose these next steps: First, we get rid of handwashing. (I’ve already convinced Secretary of War Hegseth that germs aren’t real because you can’t see them.) Then we can follow up with a combination of plague rats, typhoid parties, and a return to open sewers.
Next mission report will be in one Earth week.
Signing off,
Captain Mandelbrot Vortexian, field agent piloting the RFK Jr. suit, Washington DC, Planet Earth
PS - I know field missions are kept separate for a reason, but I do have to ask: is Trump one of us? If so, the agent piloting that meatsuit is doing admirably, but coordinating plans would make Project “Destroy Humanity v2” go much faster.
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