To the American people,
In order to Make America Great Again, we are declaring new amendments to the amendments of the Bill of Rights. Here they are:
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First Amendment:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Amendment to the Amendment: The FCC threatening comedians and journalists, and the TSA hassling people with social media jokes, are definitely different from a law from Congress, and are therefore fine. After all, speech that is negative about the President is hate speech, and that’s not protected.
*****
Second Amendment:
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Amendment to the Amendment: This only applies to good, loyal patriots. Can you imagine what would happen otherwise? You’d get an insurrection or something.
*****
Third Amendment:
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Amendment to the amendment: ICE agents don’t count as soldiers, obviously.
*****
Fourth Amendment:
The right of the People to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Amendment to the amendment: People who look Hispanic are fair game though, that’s just suspicious.
*****
Fifth Amendment:
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
Amendment to the amendment: Due process is suspended for people suspected to be Hispanic, see #4. Next up are people suspected to be trans. They’re all Antifa, which means they’re all terrorists. You don’t want to give rights to terrorists, do you?
*****
Sixth Amendment:
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
Amendment to the amendment: This is irrelevant because it assumes due process, see #5. We’re striking the whole thing.
*****
Seventh Amendment:
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by Jury shall be preserved, and no fact, tried by a Jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Amendment to the amendment: Any civil suits brought by the Executive Branch settled for high sums of money shall not be considered an emolument or “bribe” in any way.
*****
Eighth Amendment:
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Amendment to the amendment: Except for in immigration cases. Or terrorism cases. You know a lot of people are terrorists, right? Basically the whole Democrat party. Also what happens in El Salvador is up to them, not us, so it’s fine.
*****
Ninth Amendment: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Amendment to the amendment: Rights in the Constitution aren’t a guarantee either, especially if you’re not being nice (see #1), so this is also irrelevant. We’re striking this one too.
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Tenth Amendment: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
Amendment to the amendment: The Executive Branch has a mandate from the people from the historic 2024 election landslide, so anything it does is what the people want. Don’t worry, Congress will back us up no matter what we do, and when evil blue states sue, the Supreme Court majority will be on our side at all times. Any people trying to fight this are terrorists anyway.
*****
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Signed,
Attorney General Pam Bondi
In order to Make America Great Again, we are declaring new amendments to the amendments of the Bill of Rights. Here they are:
*****
First Amendment:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Amendment to the Amendment: The FCC threatening comedians and journalists, and the TSA hassling people with social media jokes, are definitely different from a law from Congress, and are therefore fine. After all, speech that is negative about the President is hate speech, and that’s not protected.
*****
Second Amendment:
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Amendment to the Amendment: This only applies to good, loyal patriots. Can you imagine what would happen otherwise? You’d get an insurrection or something.
*****
Third Amendment:
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Amendment to the amendment: ICE agents don’t count as soldiers, obviously.
*****
Fourth Amendment:
The right of the People to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Amendment to the amendment: People who look Hispanic are fair game though, that’s just suspicious.
*****
Fifth Amendment:
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
Amendment to the amendment: Due process is suspended for people suspected to be Hispanic, see #4. Next up are people suspected to be trans. They’re all Antifa, which means they’re all terrorists. You don’t want to give rights to terrorists, do you?
*****
Sixth Amendment:
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
Amendment to the amendment: This is irrelevant because it assumes due process, see #5. We’re striking the whole thing.
*****
Seventh Amendment:
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by Jury shall be preserved, and no fact, tried by a Jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Amendment to the amendment: Any civil suits brought by the Executive Branch settled for high sums of money shall not be considered an emolument or “bribe” in any way.
*****
Eighth Amendment:
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Amendment to the amendment: Except for in immigration cases. Or terrorism cases. You know a lot of people are terrorists, right? Basically the whole Democrat party. Also what happens in El Salvador is up to them, not us, so it’s fine.
*****
Ninth Amendment: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Amendment to the amendment: Rights in the Constitution aren’t a guarantee either, especially if you’re not being nice (see #1), so this is also irrelevant. We’re striking this one too.
*****
Tenth Amendment: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
Amendment to the amendment: The Executive Branch has a mandate from the people from the historic 2024 election landslide, so anything it does is what the people want. Don’t worry, Congress will back us up no matter what we do, and when evil blue states sue, the Supreme Court majority will be on our side at all times. Any people trying to fight this are terrorists anyway.
*****
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Signed,
Attorney General Pam Bondi
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