Hi folks, it’s time for the workplace Secret Santa! I know last year some of you had trouble figuring out what to get me (I know, visionaries are so hard to shop for!) so I’m going to make it super easy for all of you so there’s no need to get fired over a “#1 Boss” mug like whats-his-name last year. Here’s my wishlist:
- A small stocking-stuffer like a yacht or some Louvre-quality jewels for my wife (see? I’m easy!)
- An algorithm to help people on social media understand how funny I am. My jokes are brilliant and timeless and everyone should get to see them.
- Speaking of timeless, a stem cell infusion so I can be immortal. We have this, right?
- To be the person who comes up with the technology for a stem cell infusion for immortality. (We can get this done you guys! Say, by Q1? Don’t worry, we can share the credit.)
- To monopolize the immortality market (which I guess you can only monopolize once? Note to self, make immortality a subscription service).
- A media empire that I can regift to my adult son, he needs to be useful if he’s going to be around forever.
- A UNESCO World Heritage Site for my next wedding. Family is so important!
- True Artificial General Intelligence, matching or surpassing human capacity. Surpassing, let’s do surpassing. Which frankly has been on the company objectives list for YEARS, so if we can just get it done, it would really make my day!
- To be the person who offers lifetime subscriptions for AGI use for the immortality market, gotta maximize the monetization while we disrupt the paradigm.
- If stem-cell-infusion immortality isn’t happening, 2nd best option is uploading consciousness to the cloud, possibly with assistance of (or combining with?) AGI. It would be so cool if I knew everything an AGI did. Maybe this is a better option. Let’s just say it’s for Q2?
- Those amazing cookies with the carmelized lacy edges that one of you brought to the office last year.
- Army of AGI robot butlers, correctly programmed to understand how hilarious I am since we already have that social media algorithm.
- Army of humans to keep the robot butlers in check if they attempt to unionize or something. Or actually, we wouldn’t need this if we get some union-busting legislation from your favorite pet senator, and it includes robots. Either would work. Or both! Both is better.
- A human-bearing ship to Mars, because come on already, how have we not solved this yet? Let’s make this a Q3 goal, that’s plenty of time for you geniuses.
- Which reminds me, a pre-fabbed Mars colony ready for people to move into. Full of 3D printers or something, I don’t know. You’ll figure it out.
- I’m really craving those cookies now.
- Ooh and to be the King of Mars, that should actually be first on this list.
- King of Earth? Is that an option? I’d take that too. Honestly everyone would be better off if I could make all their decisions, I’m so much smarter than they are. Not you of course, haha! I only hire the best people!
- Additional transport for my AGI robot army to get to Mars, we’ll need labor there. Or one AGI robot army for Mars, one to stay on Earth. Probably need a bunch of these.
- Honestly if I have an AGI robot army I *could* be King of Earth. Just saying. And we can see that starting wars doesn't stop you from getting peace prizes.
- A peace prize (really! Anyone can make one! And it would really show me you care.)
- Really warm soft socks. It’s cold on Mars!
- Haha I would never declare war on all of Earth just to be the king. A joke! See? I’m so funny! But I would take an island somewhere to be king of. We can just bulldoze off any people who are already there, and bring in the AGI robot butlers to do all the little things. This would be a great gift for me!
- But seriously though, what if I *could* be King of Earth. Just something to consider! I think we can make this happen, team. Maybe even everyone chips in and it’s a group gift! It would be super thoughtful of you.
- I mean, I *do* have an AGI robot army to help support the effort. You know, peacefully. Very very peacefully.
- Wait. I still need an AGI robot army. OK that’s definitely going as #1 on this list.
- A nice donation to my charitable foundation. (See? I told you I was funny.)
- Maybe I should tour, I’m so funny. You could get me a standup tour all around the globe, that would be a nice gift. And if people don’t laugh, we get the robots to explain to them why they’re wrong.
- Damn, I really do need those robots don’t I. OK everyone, get together and make this happen!
- Guys? Are you still there?
- Oh, I see. You all are intimidated by how smart and funny I am and that’s why you’ve left. Haha don’t worry I totally get it! But I’d never rub something like that in your faces, you can come back!
- Guys?
- … Guys?
- An AGI robot butler to be my friend
RSS Feed