On Monday morning around 3am Eastern Time, the space aliens showed up in their bright hovering ships and began transmitting a message in their own language. By 5am Eastern Time, the UN (minus the US delegate who didn’t show) met to start figuring out what to do.
Trump, on the other hand, declared immediate war.
“These aliens, they’re illegals,” he said at a gold-painted podium, “they’re very bad people. And we can’t make a deal with every space alien, because to do so would take, without exaggeration, two million years. We’re gonna just get em out of here, as is our constitutional right.”
The UN sent a note of peace and welcoming to the alien ships, while top linguists tried to decode the aliens’ message. (There were no linguists in the US available. All had had their university funding cut and had taken other jobs.)
Trump reached out to see what the best US scientists had in terms of weapons of war, but half had already been deported for being immigrants, and the remaining half were just hit by the NSF grant freeze.
***
On Tuesday the aliens sent the same message again to everyone worldwide.
Congress met to debate whether the president could declare war without Congress, what with the Constitution saying Congress is the sole body that can declare war, but in an overwhelming vote of Republicans afraid of being primaried, plus Democrats who thought that if they play nice enough it’d eventually work out, Congress decided it was fine ceding that power entirely.
The ACLU filed a suit about an unconstitutional declaration of war, and the courts promised to get to it in a few months.
***
On Wednesday the Joint Chiefs were called into the Situation Room to present battle plans. Defense Secretary Hegseth presented a bar napkin on which he had scribbled “aliens bad pew pew”. A leaked Signal chat, sent to his babysitter, revealed further plan info in the form of several emojis. Meanwhile the military leadership itself only had a few people left, having kicked out everyone who wasn’t a straight white Christian cis man because of “DEI”, so there weren’t many other ideas on the table. The Hegseth plan was chosen with much applause because it was, in Trump’s words, “beautiful”.
***
On Thursday a trans linguist in Bolivia had a breakthrough and decoded the word “hello”. Every nation but the US transmitted the word “hello” back to the aliens.
Elon Musk paid himself fifteen billion dollars to build the Golden Dome, a nationwide defense system that was meant to harmlessly explode incoming weapons mid-air in prep for the upcoming big alien battle. Using Grok, his personal AI chatbot, for targeting, the Golden Dome test instead destroyed three American hospitals and a kindergarten. When asked about the results, Musk replied “That hospital had the woke mind-virus, it was very concerning.” Fox News reported it as a tremendous win for America.
As luck would have it, however, the Tesla that had been shot into orbit in 2018 got close to the biggest alien ship and exploded, as Teslas are wont to do.
The aliens sent a final message, and left.
Trump declared victory and scheduled himself a parade.
***
On Friday, an autistic linguist in Sweden decoded the rest of the alien messages, the first of which read, “Hello humans, we come in peace, please accept our gifts of technology and medicine and art.” The second read, “We see you’re not interested. Nevermind.”
At Trump’s parade speech, he said, “Trump saved you all. But will anybody say thank you, no they won’t, people are very ungrateful, nobody appreciates Trump saving the world.” He received thunderous applause, and basked in the adoration of the crowd as they cheered for their savior of mankind.
Trump, on the other hand, declared immediate war.
“These aliens, they’re illegals,” he said at a gold-painted podium, “they’re very bad people. And we can’t make a deal with every space alien, because to do so would take, without exaggeration, two million years. We’re gonna just get em out of here, as is our constitutional right.”
The UN sent a note of peace and welcoming to the alien ships, while top linguists tried to decode the aliens’ message. (There were no linguists in the US available. All had had their university funding cut and had taken other jobs.)
Trump reached out to see what the best US scientists had in terms of weapons of war, but half had already been deported for being immigrants, and the remaining half were just hit by the NSF grant freeze.
***
On Tuesday the aliens sent the same message again to everyone worldwide.
Congress met to debate whether the president could declare war without Congress, what with the Constitution saying Congress is the sole body that can declare war, but in an overwhelming vote of Republicans afraid of being primaried, plus Democrats who thought that if they play nice enough it’d eventually work out, Congress decided it was fine ceding that power entirely.
The ACLU filed a suit about an unconstitutional declaration of war, and the courts promised to get to it in a few months.
***
On Wednesday the Joint Chiefs were called into the Situation Room to present battle plans. Defense Secretary Hegseth presented a bar napkin on which he had scribbled “aliens bad pew pew”. A leaked Signal chat, sent to his babysitter, revealed further plan info in the form of several emojis. Meanwhile the military leadership itself only had a few people left, having kicked out everyone who wasn’t a straight white Christian cis man because of “DEI”, so there weren’t many other ideas on the table. The Hegseth plan was chosen with much applause because it was, in Trump’s words, “beautiful”.
***
On Thursday a trans linguist in Bolivia had a breakthrough and decoded the word “hello”. Every nation but the US transmitted the word “hello” back to the aliens.
Elon Musk paid himself fifteen billion dollars to build the Golden Dome, a nationwide defense system that was meant to harmlessly explode incoming weapons mid-air in prep for the upcoming big alien battle. Using Grok, his personal AI chatbot, for targeting, the Golden Dome test instead destroyed three American hospitals and a kindergarten. When asked about the results, Musk replied “That hospital had the woke mind-virus, it was very concerning.” Fox News reported it as a tremendous win for America.
As luck would have it, however, the Tesla that had been shot into orbit in 2018 got close to the biggest alien ship and exploded, as Teslas are wont to do.
The aliens sent a final message, and left.
Trump declared victory and scheduled himself a parade.
***
On Friday, an autistic linguist in Sweden decoded the rest of the alien messages, the first of which read, “Hello humans, we come in peace, please accept our gifts of technology and medicine and art.” The second read, “We see you’re not interested. Nevermind.”
At Trump’s parade speech, he said, “Trump saved you all. But will anybody say thank you, no they won’t, people are very ungrateful, nobody appreciates Trump saving the world.” He received thunderous applause, and basked in the adoration of the crowd as they cheered for their savior of mankind.
RSS Feed