Silly Songs
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The Healthcare Red Tape Tango
(to the tune of Tom Lehrer’s “Masochism Tango”) I ache for approvals you give dear Yet much more for prescriptions to live dear You can split hairs Like nobody dares As we dance to the Healthcare Red Tape Tango. Let our calls be a quest to remember I'm on hold from July to December I can dial ten So my call's dropped again As we dance to the Healthcare Red Tape Tango At your command Eight forms filled in my hand Dejected here I stand (sigh) It's clear that I must be Missing a file You explain with a smile Because it's not worthwhile To insure someone like me Your heart's stony cold or it's misplaced Else how could my healthcare be debased? The prem'iums I paid The health plans that I made Have all been laid waste as we tango. My one typo In the field for "address", love You thought I'd transgressed, love And I tried to mislead And it's the status quo For you to scrimp and pinch, love Wait for me here to flinch, love As I stand here and bleed. My coverage often it switches Like when I needed twenty stitches To sew up the hole Made in my bankroll Money I can't control when we tango. I've bashed in my brains And squirmed and screamed in pain Deny me once again And swear you'll never stop I know too well I'm underneath your spell Each year is a death knell As more benefits get chopped Call all of my claims pre-existing Or delusions that keep on persisting Say it's in my head And just wait 'til I'm dead So you come out ahead in the Tango. ******************************* An Ode to Sad Lungs from California Wildfire Smoke (To the tune of the Backstreet Boys' "Everybody"). Everybody, wrack your body Everybody, wrack your body right Hack and cough, alright, hey baby California's lungs are strained Brothers, sisters, got chest pain Get the smoky flavor show you how Got a question for you better answer now, yeah Am I now smoke-infused? (Yeah) My trachea abused? (Yeah) Is this perpetual? (Yeah) Got the oxygen you need? You better wrack your body now Everybody (Yeah) Wrack your body (Yeah) Everybody, hack and cough all night CA's not airtight! Now wait this really isn't fair Should be grateful all we got's bad air Haven't lost the city to a fiery hell North Bay's inferno can't be contained Am I a sad snowflake? (Yeah) Do my lungs need a break? (Yeah) Words ineffectual? (Yeah) Don't got the oxygen I need I'mma go wrack my body now Everybody (Yeah) Wrack your body (Yeah) Everybody, hack and cough all night My lungs ain't all right! ******************************* "The 12 Days of Transit" (to the tune of The 12 Days of Christmas) On the 12th day of transit the MBTA gave me 12 trains on fire 11 missing buses 10 wrong announcements 9 bad excuses 8 sparking track rails 7 trains gone backwards 6 rush hour problems 5 stuck turnstiles 4 trains derailed 3 track fires 2 disabled cars, and A train pushing another train ******************************* "Her Farts Will Go On" (to the tune of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On") Every night at dinner <NAME> cooks up all flavors Dish after dish it goes on Makes exotic cuisines With feasts made to savor <NAME's> a culinary gourmand Near, far, a tasty bazaar But her meals have one terrible flaw Once more the intestines roar And her stomach's upset and her farts will go on and on Gas then starts to build up She's bloated, exploded Trumpeting it out all night long Underneath the covers Sheets flutter and shudder As the gasses toot out til dawn Near, far, the neighbors are scarred From the sounds that emit from her bum Gut war blasts out her backdoor And the one thing that's certain Is her farts will go on and on If you get an invite to dinner, from <NAME> One conclusion here is foregone Enjoy every last bite The flavors all delight But your stomach's sure to respond <<KEY CHANGE HERE>> My dear, hold tight to your rear And just know that your gut will go on You'll lay a most foul bouquet As you join <NAME> and both your farts will go on and on |
I Will Survive (Without a Gallbladder)
(to the tune of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive") First I was afraid I was petrified Thought that I could never live without you in my side But then I spent so many nights With chest pain pressing all night long And I grew strong Knew that you did not belong So now you're gone Without a trace No more squirting extra bile, leaving just an empty space Out through laparoscopic cuts You and your stones one by one And all my cholecystemic healthcare problems are all done! All that's now left For me to do Is to rest relax recover For a week or two I don't need you to digest, I don't need you to survive You're stuffed in formaldehyde while I can go off and thrive! Oh no not I I will survive Oh as long as liver function works I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my bile to give and I'll survive I will survive, hey hey ******************************* I'm a Cyborg (Alternate to "I Will Survive") At first I couldn't hear A lil’ bit deaf inside Kept thinking I had to read lips To understand replies But I spent so many nights In the silence oh so long But I was wrong And now my hearing's on the rise Now I’m cyborg Machines galore I can hear all sorts of things That I could never hear before These mechanisms in my ears Show me wonders never cease As I now hear the paper crackling And I hear the thunder roar Go on now go Go out the room Now go say something... And I can hear like you're right here I'm a cyborg I'm a cyborg Hey hey! ******************************* Getting to Show You from the mythical show "Mansplaining: the musical" (to the tune of "Getting to Know You" from the musical "The King and I") It's a very ancient saying But a true and honest thought That every newbie dude Has deep expertise to be brought As a man I don't need learning You'll forgive me if I boast And I've now become an expert On the subject you know most (Chorus: Just to women! lucky women) Getting to show you Getting to show you Getting to talk above you Talking much louder Talking 'til you will see Getting to show you Putting it my way But nicely (Chorus: Not that nicely! Not so nicely!) You're actually Wrong by a large degree Getting to show you Just how much you have no clue Here in the field you've Been in for ten years (Chorus: He took one class! He failed that class) Getting to show you Here lemme just Explain it (Chorus: Man explaining! Man's mansplaining!) I'll ascertain it Confidently Haven't you noticed I don't need skill or background? To go through all the beautiful and new Things I'm mansplaining to you Daaaaaaaay (Chorus: Condescending!) Byyyyyy (Chorus: Never-ending!) Daaaaaaaay ******************************* "One Month" (to the tune of the Bare Naked Ladies' "One Week") It's been one month since I wrote something Sat right down to type and made the words sing Few weeks since I laughed to see something all come together in a nice word spree Three days since the surgery I realized it's not my fault but I can't convince me Yesterday I could move some more But it'll still be more days till I can make words pour Hold it now and watch the hoodwink See how my brain thinks says I'm useless as a human I try the tricks for the fix For the mental conflicts I like the CBT Cuz it says I am not less than Hot off therapy when I just try to keep my mood high Because I'm all about management My body's taken mad hits Not calling it quits I try to be more than this descent Gonna make a break and take a fake I got the stinkin achin shakes I handle nothing but the blandest of the flavors I tried the test I can't digest My tum's so messed and is so stressed The endoscope gave it a poke Now it's a misbehaver How can I help it if it's so depressing being sick Trying hard not to drown isn't the trick I'm the kinda gal who smiles thru the down times But gotta say that it gets real hard sometimes I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve I have a history of depression when I'm hurt It's been three years since I've been healthy Could go off and write a book in a year Four weeks since I was dismissed For being sick and there's nowhere to resist Yesterday I had gotten down And now I write stupid lyrics to turn it round |